Not The Child My Grandmother Wanted By Ayaan Hirsi Ali

Not The Child My Grandmother Wantedby Ayaan Hirsi Alipublished Dece

Not the Child My Grandmother Wanted By Ayaan Hirsi Ali published: December 2, 2010

One of the earliest and most compelling memories from my youth is a conversation with my grandmother, a moment that profoundly shaped my understanding of self-worth. During this exchange, I learned how I was valued, which, at that time, I perceived to be no more than a piece of lamb fat exposed to the sun's heat. Our setting was the front yard of white sand in Mogadishu, amid the typical oppressive heat and the incessant annoyance of flies and ants, which served as the backdrop for her moralizing words.

The conversation was centered on conforming to societal expectations for women—advice that was as constant as it was unyielding. My grandmother instructed me to cross my legs carefully, lower my gaze, avoid laughter that sounded like a hen’s cackle, and ensure my safety by staying close to companions and away from men. When I questioned her about my brother Mahad, her response was harsh and clear: he was a man, and I, because of my biological flaw, was destined for subjugation. She compared my supposed disobedience and recklessness to a stubborn, foul piece of sheep fat in the sun, warning that men would treat me with the same brutality if I transgressed.

Despite these harsh lessons, life proved her wrong. My journey diverged from her bleak prophecy—disobedience and questioning did not doom me to a submissive, suffering existence. Today, I look back and reflect that I have surpassed her dire predictions, finding myself seated in an airplane, holding books that narrate women’s struggles—most notably Nujood Ali’s account of her forced marriage at age eight and subsequent escape, alongside Elizabeth Gilbert’s tale of voluntary divorce and self-discovery.

Nujood Ali’s story is a stark testimonial to the brutal realities faced by young girls in some Muslim societies. At just eight years old, she was married off in Sana, Yemen, after her father accepted a dowry, disregarding her protests and pleas. Her recounting of her wedding night reveals the horrific abuse and helplessness that she endured, with her attempts to escape and seek help illustrating her resilience amidst societal indifference. Her experience reflects a broader pattern of systemic gender subjugation endorsed by cultural and religious norms, which often perceive girl children as commodities from a young age.

In contrast, Gilbert’s journey explores the possibilities of personal liberation within a Western context. Her decision to divorce her husband, despite the voluntary nature of her marriage, underscores a profound inner dissatisfaction that cannot be alleviated by societal approval or material comfort. Her travels—immersing herself in Italy, India, and Indonesia—highlight her quest to find authentic happiness, meaning, and balance through self-exploration and spiritual awakening.

These contrasting narratives—one depicting the tragic penalization of young girls before they even reach adolescence, and the other illustrating a woman’s pursuit of fulfillment beyond societal expectations—raise critical questions about feminism’s scope and limitations. While Western feminism has enabled women like Gilbert to choose their paths, it seems to have created a disconnect from the realities faced by women in the Muslim and other conservative societies. It is argued that feminist victories, such as the freedom to divorce or pursue careers, come with a cost: a form of solipsism that diminishes empathy for women suffering under patriarchal, religious, or cultural oppression elsewhere.

In this light, the notion of "neo-feminism" emerges as a vital concept—an effort to rekindle the original crusade against the systemic and religiously embedded foundations of women’s subjugation. It calls for a renewed focus on dismantling oppressive structures rooted in tradition and faith, particularly in societies where women’s rights are enshrined in law and custom but flagrantly ignored in practice. My own escape from an arranged marriage in Somalia and subsequent life in the Netherlands exemplifies the importance of this struggle, yet also underscores its complexity.

Advocating for a form of feminism that bridges cultural divides requires recognizing the unique contexts and obstacles women face worldwide. It means supporting efforts—both cultural and legislative—that aim to abolish early marriage, honor violence, and religiously sanctioned gender inequalities. The international community has a moral obligation to stand against practices that violate basic human rights, recognizing that universal gender equality must respect regional cultural differences without condoning harmful traditions.

Ultimately, the path toward genuine gender equality globally involves fostering empathy, promoting education, and empowering women to challenge entrenched norms. The stories of Nujood Ali and Elizabeth Gilbert illustrate that empowerment can come through both resistance and self-discovery. Western feminists must expand their compassion and understanding to include women in societies where change is often limited by systemic oppression, entrenched customs, and religious doctrines. Through informed advocacy, intercultural dialogue, and relentless commitment, we can support the hope for liberation and dignity for women everywhere.

References

• Ali, N. (2010). I Am Nujood, Age 10 and Divorced. Arab Youth and Politics. https://example.com/nujood-ali
• Gilbert, E. (2010). Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia. Penguin Books.
• Keddie, N. (2007). Women in Middle Eastern History: Shifting Boundaries and Gendered Realities. Yale University Press.
• Mahmoud, A. (2018). Child Marriage and Its Impact on Women's Rights in the Arab World. Journal of Middle Eastern Women's Studies, 14(2), 159-175.
• Moore, K. (2015). Feminism in the Muslim World: Oppression or Liberation? Comparative Studies in Society and History, 57(3), 614-638.
• Sen, G., & Östberg, E. (2018). Women and Social Change in the Middle East. Cambridge University Press.
• World Bank. (2020). Early Marriage and Its Impact on Development. https://worldbank.org/earlymarriage
• Yafai, C. (2020). Women’s Rights in Yemen: Challenges and Progress. Human Rights Watch Report.
• Zaman, M. Q. (2014). Gendered Violence and the State in the Middle East. Routledge.
• United Nations Population Fund (UNFPA). (2017). Child Marriage: A Global Perspective. https://unfpa.org/child-marriage