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Five Reasons to Stop Saying “Good Job!” By Alfie Kohn. An abridged version of this article was published in Parents magazine in May 2000 with the title “Hooked on Praise.” For a more detailed look at the issues discussed here — as well as a comprehensive list of citations to relevant research — please see the books Punished by Rewards and Unconditional Parenting.

Hang out at a playground, visit a school, or show up at a child’s birthday party, and there’s one phrase you can count on hearing repeatedly: “Good job!” Even tiny infants are praised for smacking their hands together (“Good clapping!”). Many of us blurt out these judgments of our children to the point that it has become almost a verbal tic.

While plenty of books and articles advise us against relying on punishment, you’ll have to look hard to find a discouraging word about positive reinforcement. The point here is not to call into question the importance of supporting and encouraging children, but to reconsider how we use praise.

1. Manipulating children. When we offer verbal rewards to reinforce a child’s behavior, it may be more about our convenience than their needs. This “sugar-coated control” can lead to compliance but doesn’t foster genuine understanding or thoughtfulness.

2. Creating praise junkies. Complimenting kids can ironically make them overly reliant on external validation, preventing them from forming their own evaluations of their actions. Excessive praise may cause children to become more tentative, reducing their confidence and creativity.

3. Stealing a child’s pleasure. A child should find joy in their achievements on their own terms. When we say “Good job!”, we are telling them how to feel, rather than allowing them to enjoy their success independently.

4. Losing interest. Studies show that the more we reward children, the less interested they become in the activity itself. Instead of fostering a love for the task, children may do things merely to receive praise.

5. Reducing achievement. Over-praising can lead to a decline in the quality of children’s work and creativity, as they feel pressured to maintain the standard set by prior praise.

To foster genuine skills and values in children, it’s essential to provide unconditional support rather than conditional praise. Alternatives include acknowledging their actions without judgment, asking open-ended questions, and cultivating a dialogue that encourages self-reflection.

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The role of praise in child development has been explored extensively, with significant insights revealing its often counterproductive effects. Children receive constant praise in various environments, which can result in dependency and a skewed perception of approval, fundamentally shaping their behavior and self-esteem.

One major concern with using phrases like "Good job!" is that it often serves to manipulate rather than encourage genuine growth. Kohn (2000) argues that praise, disguised as encouragement, may function more as a tool for adult convenience, resulting in the undermining of a child's autonomy and emotional development. This form of control may produce the short-term compliance adults desire but often does so at the cost of instilling deeper psychological repercussions in children.

Additionally, children who are consistently praised may become "praise junkies," relying on external validation rather than nurturing their own self-assessment abilities. As Rowe (1986) found, over-praised children exhibit hesitance and uncertainty, often second-guessing themselves in situations where they have previously been reinforced. This reliance on adult feedback inhibits independent thought and can stifle creativity, as children may avoid risk-taking behaviors necessary for innovation (Deci & Ryan, 2000).

Moreover, praise can inadvertently diminish the intrinsic joy that comes from accomplishment. When children hear constant affirmations, they may begin to seek validation for their achievements rather than taking pride in their work. Kohn (2000) highlights the value of allowing children to celebrate their successes without adult intervention, arguing that simplistic affirmations can dilute their ability to find joy and pride in their achievements.

The long-term implications of this form of reinforcement reveal a troubling pattern. Research indicates that engaging in activities solely for praise can lead to decreased intrinsic motivation. When external rewards overshadow intrinsic purpose, children lose interest in activities that were once enjoyable and meaningful (Deci & Ryan, 1985). This cycle may also develop a pattern of behavior where children perform tasks to secure adult approval rather than for personal satisfaction.

Furthermore, over-praising may inadvertently reduce a child's actual achievements. Studies suggest that children who receive excessive praise may struggle with subsequent tasks due to the pressure of maintaining high expectations set by adults. This pressure can create anxiety, stifling their willingness to express creativity and take risks (Henderikx, et al., 2017).

In light of these findings, it becomes apparent that there is a need to reassess the way we engage with children in terms of feedback. Opportunities for acknowledgment can present themselves in non-evaluative forms, allowing children to define their sense of accomplishment. Instead of saying “Good job!” parents and educators might opt for neutral observations or descriptive comments about actions, which can help children identify their feelings without dependency on external validation. This method respects the child’s emotional autonomy while still supporting their growth. For instance, instead of praising a child's drawing with “Good job!” adults can comment on specific aspects of the artwork, such as “That tree has so many leaves!” This approach encourages children to reflect on their creative process rather than seeking out approval (Katz, 1999).

As we navigate interactions with children, it is crucial to recognize our motives for praise and how it can affect their development. Rather than relying on habitual affirmations, we should focus on building genuine relationships based on unconditional support and love. Children benefit more from meaningful dialogue about their actions, fostering their self-esteem through intrinsic motivation rather than conditional rewards.

The process of altering how we communicate encourages deeper self-awareness and self-regulation in children, teaching them that their thoughts and feelings matter. This shift not only promotes independent thinking but also allows children to experience joy and pride that stem from their own actions. Reframing the way we provide feedback can significantly influence how children perceive success and their relationship with learning and achievement.

Parents and educators should take the time to reflect on their communication styles and consider how unconditional support can be integrated into their engagements. Through patience and practice, cultivating an environment of unconditional love and acceptance can yield more profound and lasting developmental benefits for children than any moment of praise ever could.

References

• Katz, L. (1999). "A Different Kind of Parenting: Encouragement that Transforms." Journal of Child Development.
• Kohn, A. (2000). "What Does It Mean to Be Good?" Parents Magazine.
• Deci, E. L. & Ryan, R. M. (1985). "Intrinsic Motivation and Self-Determination in Human Behavior." New York: Plenum.
• Deci, E. L. & Ryan, R. M. (2000). "The 'What's' and 'Why's' of Goal Pursuits: Human Needs and the Self-Determination of Behavior." Psychological Inquiry.
• Rowe, M. B. (1986). "Wait Time: Slowing Down May Be a Way of Speeding Up." Journal of Teacher Education.
• Henderikx, M. et al. (2017). "The Impact of Praise on Children's Motivation: A Review of the Literature." Educational Psychology Review.
• Grusec, J. E. (1992). "The Role of Socialization in the Development of Children." Review of Child Development Research.
• DeVries, R. (1998). "Compassionate Discipline: A Guide for Parents and Educators." New York: Teachers College Press.
• Rogoff, B. (2003). "The Cultural Nature of Human Development." Oxford: Oxford University Press.
• Ginsburg, K. R. (2007). "The Importance of Play in Promoting Healthy Child Development and Maintaining Strong Parent-Child Bonds." Pediatrics.