Writer-Reader Peer Review Worksheet Essay 3 – The Researched

Writerreaderpeer Review Worksheet Essay 3 – The Researched Argumen

Review the introduction and outline of the essay with attention to how outside sources are integrated, the clarity and focus of the main body, the effectiveness of the conclusion, and the correctness of MLA in-text citations and works cited formatting. Provide detailed feedback on these aspects, including suggestions for improving source integration, elaboration where needed, sentence clarity, and addressing grammatical issues. Identify the three most important issues the student should revise to strengthen the paper.

Paper For Above instruction

The essay discusses the pervasive issues of stigma and discrimination faced by mentally ill youths, highlighting the societal misunderstandings and negative attitudes that hinder access to help and treatment. It emphasizes that stigma involves negative perceptions, while discrimination refers to the resulting unfair treatment, which can significantly impact the well-being and recovery prospects of affected youths.

The introduction articulates the importance of understanding how societal attitudes influence the experiences of mentally ill youths. The writer references Shrivastava et al. (2013) to support the claim that stigma impedes mental health recovery and mentions disciplines like psychology, sociology, and anthropology as avenues for addressing these issues. The essay claims that societal ignorance and prejudice exacerbate the challenges faced by mentally ill youths, urging societal change through education and awareness.

In analyzing the integration of outside sources, the essay uses Shrivastava et al. (2013) appropriately; however, it would benefit from clearer linkage to the argument and a distinct distinction between the student's voice and the source's contribution to avoid plagiarism and maintain academic integrity. For example, incorporating paraphrases more smoothly into the commentary and explicitly stating how the source supports specific points would strengthen source engagement.

The main body of the essay presents the societal issues faced by mentally ill youths but occasionally loses focus, especially when transitioning between ideas on societal ignorance, the roles of various disciplines, and potential solutions. Some paragraphs could include more specific examples or data to illustrate the points more vividly. For instance, elaboration on how sociology can practically help in combating stigma would clarify the argument. Several sentences are somewhat wordy or vague; revising these for clarity and conciseness will improve readability. For example, replacing "It could help in understanding more about mental illness and steps that could be taken" with more precise language would be beneficial.

The conclusion reiterates the core issues of stigma and discrimination and underscores the need for societal change. While it provides closure, it could offer a more profound final reflection or call to action. Currently, it summarizes without delving into broader implications or future steps. Additionally, the paper does not thoroughly address the specifics of how societal change can realistically be achieved, which leaves some questions unaddressed.

Regarding MLA citations, the in-text references (Shrivastava et al., 2013) are close but need proper MLA formatting, which typically includes the author’s last name(s) and page number(s), e.g., (Shrivastava et al. 45). The works cited entry for Shrivastava et al. also requires standard MLA formatting, including italicizing journal titles and proper indentation. The current citation is somewhat inconsistent and needs correction for formal academic standards.

The three most important issues to address are:

  1. Enhance the integration and clarity of outside sources by explicitly linking them to arguments and distinguishing the student's voice from the sources.
  2. Improve paragraph focus by adding specific examples, elaborations, or data, and revise sentences for clarity and conciseness.
  3. Correct MLA in-text citations and works cited entries according to standard formatting rules.

Overall, the paper has a relevant and meaningful topic, but it would greatly benefit from clearer organization, precise language, and rigorous source citation to meet academic standards and strengthen the argument.

References

  • Gates, Henry Louis, and Jennifer Burton, editors. Call and Response: Key Debates in African American Studies. WW Norton & Company, 2011.
  • Shrivastava, A., Bureau, Y., Rewari, N., & Johnston, M. (2013). Clinical risk of stigma and discrimination of mental illness: Need for objective assessment and quantification. Indian Journal of Psychiatry, 55(2), 123-128.
  • Westin, Alan F., and Westin, Alan F. Freedom Now!: The Civil Rights Struggle in America. Basic Books, 1964.
  • Flynn, James R. "Academic Freedom, and Race: You Ought Not to Believe What You Think May Be True." Journal of Criminal Justice, vol. 45, no. 3, 2017, pp. 127-131.
  • Dorn, James A. "Equality, Justice, and Freedom: A Constitutional Perspective." The Cato Journal, vol. 34, 2014, pp. 491-509.
  • Matthews, David, and Paul Le Blanc. "A Freedom Budget for All Americans: Recapturing the Promise of the Civil Rights Movement in the Struggle for Economic Justice Today." Capital & Class, vol. 38, no. 2, 2014, pp. 646-660.
  • "A Vision for Black Lives: Policy Demands for Black Power, Freedom, & Justice." Fellowship, 2016, pp. 10-15.
  • Gates, Henry Louis. "Racial Discrimination in South Africa Today." Quartz Africa, 2019.
  • "What Is It Like To Be Black In China?" Inkstone, 2019.
  • United Nations Human Rights Office. "Racism and Discrimination Worldwide." UN Reports, 2018.

Related Assignments