Dr. M. Joyce Fall 2010 Memo Makeover Critique Sheet

Dr M Joycefall 2010memo Make Over Critique Sheetname

Make over critique sheet for a memo and a letter, including an analysis of needed revisions, with instructions to rewrite both using proper writing style, format, tone, grammar, and mechanics. The task involves creating a professional, well-structured memo and letter, each with appropriate headings, clarity, professionalism, and tone suitable for business communication, along with an analysis of the errors found and corrections made. The overall goal is to demonstrate mastery of effective business writing through revision and critique, ensuring clarity, professionalism, and proper format.

Paper For Above instruction

Effective business communication is fundamental to maintaining professionalism and clarity in organizational contexts. Revising poorly written memos and letters to adhere to standard business formats and improved stylistic elements enhances understanding and portrays a professional image. This paper critically evaluates and revises two common business documents—a memo and a letter—using principles of clear, concise, and appropriate communication, highlighting key errors and offering precise corrections grounded in established business writing standards.

Introduction

In the modern business environment, effective communication channels are vital for operational efficiency and maintaining positive relationships with clients and colleagues. Memos and letters are recurring formats of formal communication within organizations, requiring precise language, proper structure, and appropriate tone. The original drafts provided exhibit several deficiencies in style, format, tone, and mechanics, which, if uncorrected, could impede clarity and affect professionalism. This critique aims to identify these faults and present thoroughly revised versions aligned with best practices in business writing.

Analysis of the Original Memo

The original memo addressed staff about the new work hours but contained numerous language and formatting issues. It was overly casual and somewhat dismissive of employees’ concerns, lacking clarity and professionalism. The tone was informal, and the message could be perceived as authoritarian rather than collaborative. Critical flaws included vague phrasing, lack of a clear purpose statement, awkward sequence of ideas, and jarring language such as “you must abide if you want to keep your jobs.” Additionally, the memo's format was inconsistent, with no clear headings or sign-off, further diminishing its professionalism.

To improve, the revised memo should adopt a professional tone, clearly state its purpose at the outset, use positive and respectful language, and be structured logically. The tone should reflect empathy and understanding of employee concerns while emphasizing the necessity of the change for organizational survival.

Sample Revised Memo

MEMORANDUM

To: All Staff

From: Your Name, Supervisor

Date: June 29, 2017

Subject: New Work Hours Implementation

Dear Team,

I want to thank you for your ongoing dedication to our organization. I understand that recent changes to our work schedule, shifting from 8:30 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. to 9:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m., have presented adjustments to personal routines and childcare arrangements. These changes were implemented to better serve our clientele, whose feedback has highlighted the need for us to be available later in the day to answer their inquiries promptly.

Understanding the impact of this transition, I want to assure you that we are committed to supporting you during this period. While punctuality and adherence to the new schedule are essential for continued success, I encourage anyone facing significant challenges, such as elder care or medical appointments, to discuss possible accommodations with me directly. We value each employee's well-being and aim to balance operational needs with personal circumstances.

Moving forward, I trust that together we can adjust to these new hours while maintaining a positive and collaborative work environment. Your cooperation and professionalism are vital to our success in serving our clients effectively.

Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Sincerely,

Your Name

Supervisor

Analysis of the Original Letter

The original letter regarding the billing dispute contained several grammatical, stylistic, and formatting errors. The tone was somewhat confrontational and lacked professionalism, which could hinder effective resolution of the issue. The letter's clarity was compromised by vague language, redundant expressions, and a lack of formal structure. For example, phrases like "this is not correct" and "I paid an invoice for $10,000...but you sent me an invoice for $2000" were awkward and unprofessional.

To enhance clarity and professionalism, the revised letter must adopt a formal business letter format, include a courteous tone, and clearly state the facts. Proper paragraphing, polite language, and specific requests will facilitate a more effective communication.

Sample Revised Letter

Damsel Corporation

12 Hill Top Drive

Cummings, GA 30078

June 29, 2017

Golden Mountain Golf Retreat

2345 Boulder Creek

Stone Mountain, GA 30038

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing on behalf of Damsel Corporation regarding an invoice discrepancy following our recent golf outing at your facility. Our organization thoroughly enjoyed the event, and we appreciate the services provided. We initially paid an invoice totaling $10,000, which covered greens fees, range balls, golf carts, a practice session, and luncheon expenses. Enclosed are copies of canceled checks and the original invoice for your reference.

However, I have been informed that an additional amount of $2,000 remains unpaid. Despite multiple phone calls, there appears to be some confusion, as your office has repeatedly stated that this sum is outstanding. Based on our records and the invoice received, the total fee of $10,000 has been settled, and I believe this matter to be resolved.

I kindly request that you review your records and provide us with a statement confirming that our account is paid in full. If an error has occurred, please issue a corrected invoice, and a refund of the overpaid amount of $2,000 will be appreciated. I would appreciate a response by July 10, to avoid further escalation, and I trust that we can resolve this promptly. We look forward to continuing our relationship with your facility and scheduling next year's event with confidence.

Thank you for your immediate attention to this matter.

Sincerely,

Your Name

Director, Damsel Corporation

Conclusion

Effective business communication requires precision, professionalism, and a respectful tone. The initial drafts of the memo and letter demonstrated fundamental issues that could undermine clarity and professionalism. Through careful revision, emphasizing tone, structure, format, and mechanics, these documents can be transformed into effective tools for conveying important messages in a business context. Properly formatted memos and letters not only enhance clarity but also reinforce the credibility and professionalism of the organization.

References

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