I Had A Friend We Are No Longer Friends

I Had A Friend We Are No Longer F

Melissa Thorpespch1318 I had a friend. We are no longer friends. We are no longer friends due to communication errors on both sides. Good communication is of vital importance to a relationship. Without proper communication, any kind of relationship whether it be of a platonic or romantic nature will be difficult to sustain.

The interpretation of verbal and nonverbal communication is how we perceive our relationships. Based on those interpretations we react accordingly. Ineffectiveness at any level can and usually does breakdown the communication process. Without having a strong and sound foundation of good communication skills, strategies, and conflict management styles, problems can creep into a relationship and threaten to destroy it. Unfortunately, this happens all too often.

Breakdown can be attributed to a lack of knowledge on how to be an effective communicator to the repetition of an error. Identifying the source of a communication problem can sometimes be difficult, but through careful analysis and self-reflection, it is possible to improve one’s communication competence. This assignment has made me reflect on what aspect of my communication I believe needs improving. I like to think that I am a decent communicator; family and coworkers have complimented me on being so. I must admit I found this task more difficult than I thought.

It is much easier to point out someone else’s flaws than look for your own sometimes. I believe the aspect of communication I need to improve is monitoring and assessing the jump from the exploration stage of relational escalation to the intensification stage more effectively. Relational escalation according to Beebee, Beebee, and Redmond is “Movement of a relationship toward intimacy through five stages: preinteraction awareness, acquaintance, exploration, intensification, and intimacy†(292). In the exploration stage, “You begin to share more in-depth information about yourselves…….and limit the time you spend together†(292). In the intensification stage, “You will start to depend on each other for self-confirmation and engage in more risky self-disclosure. You will spend more time together†(292). Even though relational escalation is not a direct form of communication, the monitoring or lack of it can come across as communication. If relational escalation goes without monitoring and proper evaluation, the result can be disastrous. This has happened to me. I sometimes have a habit of getting carried away with the excitement of a new friendship.

I became friends with a woman about two years ago, several weeks after my husband deployed to Iraq. Her husband had left around the same time as well. This was the first deployment that either of us had experienced at Fort Hood. We started doing things together because our children were of similar ages. It was the beginning of summer vacation and neither of us had planned any trips so we both had a lot of free time.

We started getting together almost every day and doing activities such as swimming, movies, library programs, going out to eat, and play dates. Needless to say, we spent a lot of time together. I thought I had found a good friend. By the end of summer we became very close. She was confiding a lot in me even though I did not always reciprocate.

We were blurring the line between the exploration and intensification stages of relational escalation. Once school started again, we did not see each other as much, but we still got together on weekends. I included her in activities with other friends because I was excited to have another close friend. That is when things started to go awry. Things that she said and my other friend said did not match up.

I explained it away to myself as miscommunication between people getting to know each other. Then around Christmas, I was able to see my husband on video chat for the first time in about six months. I just happened to be at her house when he contacted me through yahoo messenger on my phone. I asked her if I could use her computer to talk to him because I did not know how long he would be able to stay on. She let me use the computer, I was on for quite a while, but she did not seem to mind.

The next day she told me I was incredibly rude for staying on her computer for so long, and ignoring her. I apologized for offending her, but told her I was not going to apologize for speaking to my husband who I had not seen in six months. I thought we had resolved our conflict with my apology. I tried not to read too much into her reaction, a reaction that I thought was absurd. We continued with our relationship.

As the next few months progressed I found more discrepancies in her stories, but thought since we shared a lot and considered that we were close I had no reason not to believe her. Trust soon transitioned to suspicions, which turned out to be well founded. I discovered she had been lying to me. That is when I retreated from the friendship very quickly. I felt extreme hurt and betrayed by her.

By not effectively examining my relational escalation from the exploration stage to the intensification stage in this relationship, my lack of communication help create a very “stickyâ€, awkward, and uncomfortable situation. This is why I believe that I need to become a better monitor of relational escalation, because if I were, I would have been able to stop this relationship or keep it at the exploration stage and not let it get into the intensification stage. I would have been able to save myself a lot of heartache and time. This has not happened with every friendship I have had, but I have repeated a similar pattern several times to know that it is something I need to work on. I believe I experience this problem for several reasons.

First, I think my need for inclusion clouded my judgment and management of this relationship. The need for inclusion as stated in Beebee, Beebee, and Redmond is, “The need to be included in the activities of others and to experience human contact and fellowship†(51). I felt included and happy around this person therefore I wanted to pursue a friendship with her. I was not desperate for a friend but my human need for fellowship did drive me to escalate my relationship. Though need for inclusion is not a barrier of communication it is a need all humans experience.

Next, I have a tendency to assume similarities with those with which I share commonalties. I thought my friend would understand my wanting to talk to my husband for as long as possible, because her husband was also gone. I did not realize that she told her husband to contact her at a different time if when he called was not suitable for her. (I must interject here that her husband was located at in an area with much better internet access.) Last, I feel I sometimes am guilty of applying the halo effect that according to Beebee, Beebee, and Redmond is “attributing a variety of positive qualities those you like†(74). At one point, I really liked this woman and thought she would be a great friend.

I impressed upon her positive qualities such as honesty and loyalty without actually confirming that they were actually traits that she possessed. I overlooked or ignored things that did not fit the qualities that I had given her. I have noticed that I have repeated this pattern several times while pursuing different friendships. I have been able to think about how I can keep from repeating this pattern. I have come up with a plan that should help me avoid escalating a relationship too quickly.

I will observe and then analyze using communication concepts I have learned this semester. First, I will not repeat the pattern or assuming similarities and will stop attributing the halo effect to potential friends like I have done in the past. I will also do more indirect and direct perception checking on observations I have made about the person and the relationship. Next, I will not ignore information that seems relevant to the friendship even if it does not seem to fit my perception, I will evaluate it. I will also engage in relationship talk, which according to Beebee, Beebee, and Redmond is “Talk about the nature, quality, direction, or definition of a relationship†to help determine what level of relational escalation the other person believes we are at (312).

I believe that if I use all these tools and concepts that I have listed many of which I learned this semester, I will become much better at monitoring my relational escalation. In turn my monitoring will force me to use these tools and concepts on regular basis thus increasing my communication competence. By reflecting and analyzing some friendships I have had in the past, I have been able to determine an area of interpersonal communication that I need to improve upon. Learning more about interpersonal communication this semester has not only helped me identify my downfalls, but has also provided the tools necessary to remedy them. Not escalating a relationship before it is fully ready to be escalated is imperative.

I have proven that with my example. I believe that this is necessary for many to learn. Most of us have jumped full force into a friendship without escalating it through the proper stages. I have been able to reflect why I do this and how I can avoid doing so in the future, which will help me raise my communication competence and in turn may help others, do so as well.

References

• Beebee, Stephen A., Beebee, Susan J., Redmond, Mark V. (2008). Interpersonal Communication Relating to Others. 5th Edition. Boston: Pearson.