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Staying with no Holly Weeks It’s hard to say no. It’s harder still to stay with the no in the face of your counterpart’s disappointment or anger. Here is how to be heard and respected without damaging relationships. Roger Fisher, negotiation expert and coauthor of the widely influential book Getting to Yes, used to tell his law students that sometimes he wished he had written a book about getting to no. He didn’t have trouble saying no, he said, but he had trouble staying with the no: when family members were disappointed or associates pressed him, he would give up, and give in—even to things he didn’t want to do.

Like Fisher, most of us want to be agreeable; we want to accommodate people. For one thing, people generally like us better when we say yes to them than when we say no. For another, saying no can be unpleasant—sometimes very much so. Particularly when we are saying no—to someone senior—we feel considerable tension between our desire to stay with no and our desire to stay out of trouble. The people to whom we say no rarely like hearing it, and it’s no wonder.

Our saying no signals rejection—of their ideas, of their wishes, of their priorities. Consequently, most people will try to get us to change the no to a yes. That means we have to work to defuse emotion on both sides: our discomfort at staying with an unpopular no and our counterpart’s irritation, disappointment, or anger at hearing it. We could, of course, cut the Gordian knot by giving in. But in the end, the consequences of not staying with no can cause much more damage—to our self-confidence, to our relationship with the other person, and to our credibility and effectiveness as a professional.

If we want to reduce the tension around staying with no, we will do better to think not about whether to stay with no, but how. Many Reasons for the Other’s Resistance First, however, it helps to recognize why your counterparts want to “yes the no”—and readjust your own emotional response to their efforts. Business Culture It isn’t inherently insulting to you that the other person wants you to back off your no—it’s part of our business climate to try to yes the no. If you want to keep the emotional temperature cool, don’t read her challenging your no as an affront to your dignity or credibility. Source: “Staying with No,” by Holly Weeks, from the Harvard Management Communication Letter at the Harvard Business School 1, October 1, 2004, Vol.

Personal Experience and Expectations Your counterpart’s personal experience and expectations rather than the interpersonal relations between you may be the strongest determinant of how he responds to your no. He may be argumentative, wheedling, stunned, or angry because that’s how he always handles hearing no.

I was staying with no in a conversation with a lawyer until I was eventually persuaded to his view. After I agreed, however, he kept right on hammering me to change my mind. Finally I laughed and said, “But Peter, I’m agreeing with you.” He paused and said, “Mostly people don’t.”

Context There may be something about your staying with no—maybe something interpersonal, maybe not—that makes your no particularly difficult to accept. It’s not unusual, for example, for someone who might be able to hear a no privately to be embarrassed to consent to it publicly. She may want you to back down so she can save face. Not all of the friction between the effort to stay with no and the effort to yes the no is bad, but some of it is. Bad friction turns into a contest of wills, with one side winning and the other caving in or backing down. That’s hard on relationships and often leads to payback.

Your Own Resistance While your counterpart’s resistance to your no can be hard to take, part of the problem may lie on your side, even if it doesn’t feel that way. Far more people are coached to yes the no than to stay with no. Anyone who simply picks up a general interest magazine is instructed never to take no for an answer; in contrast, those of us who are trying to stay with no get very little guidance. So without practiced techniques to fall back on, we respond emotionally. Staying with no puts us in two different predicaments.

On the one hand, we don’t like to be negative. On the other, we don’t like to be pushed. If you especially don’t like to be negative, you probably tend to soften your no. It feels natural to you to try to stay with no gently. But this may result in your no not getting heard. If you especially don’t like to be pushed, you likely tend to become combative as you stay with no. For you, the natural thing is to get the conversation over with, not stretch it out.

The problem with this strategy is that it may require you to spend a lot of time on after-the-fact damage control. The solution in both cases is to change how you say no—that’s the piece you can control. You need to acquire the skill of saying and staying with no neutrally—to say no simply, clearly, and directly, using arguments that are not easily weakened by your counterpart. The Neutral No A neutral no is steady, uninflected, and clear. It’s mostly illustrated by what it’s not.

It’s not harsh, it’s not pugnacious or apologetic, it’s not reluctant or heavily buffered, and it’s not overly nice. Neutral and nice are not the same. Even if you’re nice, use neutral to stay with no. By sticking with neutral, you’re concentrating on the business end of no, not the personal. If your first no is tentative, your second is brusque, and your third is caustic, I don’t necessarily hear your intentions, whatever they may be. It’s not my job to read intentions. I hear that first you give me hope and then you lose your temper. That’s hard on relationships and on your reputation.

You want a referee’s manner. A ref just says what he says—good news for some, bad news for others—regardless of the strong feelings on both sides that his message may inspire. His job is to give his message neutrally and stay with it neutrally if challenged. A neutral manner doesn’t prevent you from speaking directly about the friction between staying with no and trying to yes the no. “It’s hard for me to tell you no; it must be hard for you to hear” is consistent with neutral. Use your own language here, but check that what you say is neutrally spoken:

• If you know or suspect why your counterpart is resisting your no, acknowledge his concern honestly but without giving hope. “You have a lot invested in what you’re asking, and it looks like I’m personally blocking you.” Give a reason or justification for your no.
• “I see my job as balancing valid, but competing, needs. I’m focusing on that.” Aren’t you just creating an opening for an argument there? Sometimes, yes. But the objective of staying with no is not necessarily to terminate this conversation with a monosyllable.
• If your reason is well chosen and neutrally spoken, stay with it. Don’t volley different arguments with your counterpart. Changing an argument is not necessarily an improvement over repetition.
• In some cases, you may want to tell your counterpart what you could say yes to. That’s not a foundation of staying with no, it’s an option and the beginning of a negotiation. If you’re open to that, you don’t have to wait for the counterpart to ask.

Dos and Don’ts Keep Your Eye on the Issue, Not the Personal You see your job as staying with no; I see my job as yessing that no. No one is doing anything wrong—we just don’t want the same outcome here. It helps to think of the push–pull between us as an honest disagreement about how the tension should be resolved. It does not help to think of my resistance to your no as disrespect for you. Know Your Triggers Your counterpart may be trying out different tactics to get you to yes your no. The tactic the counterpart uses matters only if you’re vulnerable to it. Which arguments are you most susceptible to?

Which tactics? Does an ominous suggestion that the union will hear about this roll off or rattle you? Do tears move you to offer a tissue or to fold? Most of us know where we’re vulnerable. If, for example, you are undermined by a counterpart who says she is disappointed in you and personally let down because you stay with no, you have probably been vulnerable to that sense of falling short of expectations before.

Don’t Give Them Too Much to Read It is very hard to pick out what part of a message to read if, first, the message is mixed and, second, there’s an emotional flare in it. A harsh no that offends or angers people makes them stick to their guns, even if all you wanted to do was get the conversation over with. On the other hand, people who are uncomfortable staying with no often overdo the apologetic nature of their no—they say no, express their regret for it, and ask to be forgiven for staying with no, all at the same time. The message surrounding the no seems to be, “I want to stay with no and yet have you like me.” That’s hard to read, but more important, if I don’t want to hear the no, it’s very easy for me to overlook it.

Don’t Weaken Your No Curiously, many people do this backward. They start saying no using lightweight reasons, holding back the real, heavyweight reason. And the counterpart swats away the little reasons because they aren’t very persuasive. To limit the frustration on both sides, give reasons with good weight up front. An executive assistant had been helping out a colleague by taking on work that was not his responsibility. Now he needed to curtail his tendency to say yes all the time because he was swamped. The next time his colleague asked for his customary help with photocopying, he said, “I have to say no, and it’s really my fault because I don’t seem to be managing my time very well.” His colleague disagreed that he wasn’t managing his time well—in fact, she praised how well he managed his time. And, not accepting that the executive assistant had a time-management fault, the colleague also didn’t accept his no. He had offered a self-criticism with his no because he wanted to head off the potential criticism that he wasn’t being very helpful. But he weakened his no by doing so.

Beware Misguided Empathy Most of us genuinely regret it if our counterpart is disappointed when we stay with no. But be careful and clear about what you can legitimately claim to share. A newly married couple was surprised and upset to have their mortgage application declined by their new bank. The mortgage officer agreed that it was disappointing. She listened to their protests and arguments, making suggestions while staying with no. But as the couple was leaving her office, she said, “Believe me, I feel as bad about this as you do.” The young wife turned to her, stiff with new indignation, and said, “No. You don’t.” The mortgage officer undermined her good no by claiming that her pain was as great as theirs. That will almost never feel right to those who must accept the no. Avoid a Battlefront Attitude: “I Won’t Give In; You Lose” Not everyone tries to soften her no. Some of us say no combatively, and treat staying with no as escalating warfare. This could be you if you find a battle of wills stimulating. When staying with no feels like a triumph of the will, good outcomes—and good judgment—are in jeopardy. Don’t Give False Hope Staying with no tentatively, or with a show of reluctance, makes it easy for your counterpart to hope you will change your no—and hard for him to accept the no. It sounds like your no is on the edge of tipping over into yes, so your counterpart is encouraged to keep pushing. Try the positive approaches suggested here to break a pattern of giving in, instead of falling back on a manner of saying no that suggests you are about to give in.

Practice Staying with No; Don’t Avoid It If you want to get better at staying with no in the face of the arguments and tactics that trigger you, it makes sense to practice with someone who will play the part of your worst nightmare in a protected setting. That’s better than waiting until a real situation arises, when a lot is on the line. You want to practice for four reasons: (1) so you’ll stay with your message, (2) so you won’t edit it on your feet, (3) so you’ll know what it’s going to feel like to say it, and (4) so you can see whether you really want to stay with this no—or whether you should yes it. The Conversation This Year, Say Yes to Saying No Subject: Join our new working group? Subject: Time to meet for coffee? Subject: Beta invitation for new web app Subject: Sign up for 2010 lecture series? If your January inbox looks like mine, it's full of requests and invitations. The problem with the New Year's holiday is that everyone resolves to do more at the same time. So each January brings a new batch of eager clients, exciting projects and easy-to-make commitments. It's when we resolve to try new technologies, commit to new communications channels, and become regulars at new web sites.

You can look forward to the stimulation and excitement that comes with all of this, but it's a fine line. If you're not careful, you'll hit Groundhog day facing overload and exhaustion. You have to be selective about what you take on — and disciplined about retiring longstanding activities to make room for new ones. In other words, you have to be able to say, No. Frequently, politely and effectively.

The good news is that the same technologies that threaten to overload you with to-dos and appointments can also help you to say no. Here's how I use my computer and the social web as allies in the discipline of saying no: Set your intentions. Before you start saying no, make it clear to yourself what you want to say yes to. Sites like 43Things.com and SuperViva.com invite users to make a list of goals they want to achieve and experiences they want to have. Taking the time to write down your dreams can help you clarify what's important to you, identify what you want to cross off this year, and get the community support to achieve it.

Prioritize your commitments. Use a spreadsheet to capture every single project you're working on — even projects you've only started in your mind but know you want to attack. Create a second column to assign a priority level to each project, ranking items from 1-5 based on your gut level response. Then create a third column to jot down the name of anyone who could take over or help with each project on the list. Sort your projects according to priority, and set aside all but the top-priority items that can only be handled by you personally.

Make it easy to say no. When my e-mail inbox piles up with unanswered messages, you can bet that it's full of e-mails that require a no — ones that I can't bring myself to write. To make the process easier, I have created a few different signature files in my e-mail client, with polite "no" messages for different circumstances. I'd love to join you, but my schedule is really booked for the next month; or Thanks for thinking of us, but we're only taking on a certain type of client right now; or That sounds like a great project, but my pro bono work is already committed for this quarter. Using these removes the burden of working up the energy to say no so often.

Streamline your online communications. Between e-mail, text messages, social networks and voicemail, and others, you may have ten different communications channels you need to process on a daily (if not hourly) basis. Consider a digital cleanse to help you evaluate the footprint that all these channels have on your productivity and happiness. Take a week in which you limit your online communications to a bare minimum. At the end of the week, close down your accounts on any networks that take more time than they're worth, or edit your profile on those networks to tell people you prefer to be contacted by other means.

Make "no" your default answer. Plan on saying no to all new social network invitations, projects, and events. Say yes only if the invitation or opportunity meets a short set of criteria. For example, I look for conferences that combine business development (getting clients), professional development (improving skills or knowledge) and personal development (regeneration or personal growth) and only attend events that promise meaningful value on at least two out of three of those fronts. Write your criteria down and stick them to your screen, or put them on a digital stickie note.

Soon, you'll be saying yes to only those opportunities that meet the criteria staring you in the face. None of these practices eliminates the anxiety that comes from saying no, or the fear that you may be passing up a fantastic opportunity. But it's precisely because saying no is so difficult that we need tools and systems to help make it a little easier, and a little more habitual. The more you say no, the better you'll perform when dealing with the important few projects or tasks that get a big yes.

Paper For Above instruction

In a world inundated with opportunities and increasing demands on our time, the art of saying no is more critical than ever. Holly Weeks’ insights on staying firm with a no provide a nuanced understanding of the emotional, social, and strategic aspects involved. Developing the capacity to consistently and neutrally say no is essential for maintaining focus, reducing overload, and preserving professional credibility. This paper explores effective strategies for asserting oneself, managing resistance, and establishing routines that facilitate disciplined refusal, ultimately enabling individuals to prioritize their commitments and sustain meaningful relationships.

One fundamental challenge in saying no is the emotional difficulty—many people find it uncomfortable to reject others, fearing harm to relationships or credibility. Weeks emphasizes that the key lies not only in deciding to refuse but in how the refusal is communicated. A neutral, clear, and direct no minimizes misunderstandings and prevents the escalation of conflict. This approach involves avoiding emotional overtones, such as harshness or excessive politeness, and instead adopting a tone akin to that of a referee: firm, impartial, and focused on the issue rather than personal feelings.

Recognizing the reasons behind others' resistance can significantly improve one's ability to stand firm. Cultural norms in business often view refusal as confrontational; thus, insisting on a neutral style can prevent misunderstand